2012 (2009)

Ridiculous nonsense.  Quite entertaining, but very stupid.  People often talk about films for which you need to leave your brain at the door; well if you did that and had never seen a movie before, I think that you’d still shout at the screen during 2012!  There is some spurious science involving solar flares and mutating neutrinos melting the Earth’s core (isn’t it already molten?), which all gives licence for some destruction on a global scale.  The latest creation on Roland Emmerich’s CV of disaster movies, 2012 seems to be the culmination of destruction that began 13 years ago with Independence Day, continued with some monster destruction in 1998’s Godzilla, and still further in 2004 with The Day After Tomorrow.  This time he obviously thought “Ah fuck it, let’s destroy the entire planet!”

John Cusack is the average Dad who is separated from his wife, doesn’t see his kids too often, and is way out of his depth.  He acts like he is way out of his depth.  It’s not his fault, I can’t think of anyone who would be able to play this role any better; the character is just cursed.  Of course he needs to be an average Joe, but at the same time we don’t for a second think that he might not survive; the bloated 158 min length simply means that Cusack’s Jackson Curtis spends an awful long time engaged in some “knees bent running around”.  Unfortunately this is true of all the heroes.  For any worthwhile performances, we have to look to the Government representatives; Chiwetel Ejiofor’s geologist, Oliver Platt’s Chief of Staff and to a lesser extent Danny Glover as The President.  These are the people who hold the film together, and help give some semblance of a reason for all of the heroes shenanigans.  The verbal sparring between Ejiofor and Platt was probably the highlight of the film.

No doubt 2012 was spectacular on the big screen, I’m sure some of the impact was lost on TV punctuated with adverts; but there’s no escaping that it’s a dumb film.  Spectacular, but dumb.  Because every time there is a spectacular scene, which should be terrifying in an end-of-the-world kind of way, there is some dumb driving/running/flying through the carnage nonsense.  I thought that it was entertaining escapism, ridiculous nonsense, but nevertheless somehow enjoyable-ish.  But, well, you know, that’s just, like, er, my opinion, man.

Lake Placid (1999)

Where most movies about an enormous crocodile eating people may try to concentrate on trying to scare and shock people, Lake Placid does its best to make us laugh.  Essentially a B-movie, (in style if not in budget) Lake Placid has one main thing going for it; the script.  Wry, witty and sarcastic the main characters always seem to be taking the piss out of each other as this disparate group of people are all thrown together as events develop.  At the centre of everything is local Sheriff Frank Keough played wonderfully by the under-rated Brendan Gleeson. Bill Pullman (fish & game), Bridget Fonda (museum curator) and Oliver Platt (crocodile hunter) complete the main characters, and all their personalities bounce off each other delightfully, particularly Gleeson and Platt who are always superbly sarcastic to one another.

Gleeson to Platt (who is about to dive into the lake): “I brought a pork chop for luck. Maybe you could hang it around your neck.”

Platt: “That’s sweet. Maybe later you could chew the bark off my big fat log!”

We only see glimpses of eye and teeth for possibly half the film, but when we do see the croc in all its glory for the first time it leaves quite an impression.  Generally it’s a case of less is more, so we don’t see the croc all that much, but the CG elements still look great, and since the animatronic sequences were created by the Stan Winston studio they look as tremendous as you would expect.  None of it is terribly scary, but then that’s not the point.  Sure there are a few gruesome moments in the film, but the emphasis is definitely on the sarcastic humour.  With a clever script and diverse yet great cast, Lake Placid is a very entertaining and funny film. And there’s something endlessly hilarious about Betty White feeding a cow to a giant crocodile shouting “Come and get it!”  But, well, you know, that’s just, like, er, my opinion, man.